I have been told by many individuals that I need to start a blog…I “should” have started this blog years ago but I wasn’t ready and didn’t have the emotional capacity to do so. I am finally starting my blog (hip-hip-hooray!!!) but not out of “need” or “should” but this is something I am creating for myself out of WANT. I am so pleased I have the desire to ~c-r-e-a-t-e~ something. I have never considered myself to be artistic or talented or to have something to write that people want to read. But, I have been feeling a deep stirring in my soul to start sharing some of what I am going through…transparency is a somewhat *new* and very important thing in my life. I have been convicted of how much of my life has been a lie at times and I have the deep desire to live an honest life that honors my Creator. A transparent one.
So, you can expect this blog to have a thick & strong thread of transparency. If I am hurting especially bad-I am going to write about it. If I am joyful-which there is ALWAYS something to be joyful about-I am going to write about it. In the spirit of transparency, I will share one of my fears in starting this blog…I fear that:
a– no one will read it (but seriously-who cares if no one does).
b– everyone will read it (but seriously-who cares if everyone does).
c– those who read it will grow tired of hearing me talk about my illness’ or think I am being a “drama queen”. I will talk in detail. I will cry as I write at times. I will fight the urge to hide it and I will be transparent in my suffering.
a & b I am not as concerned about as I am about c…yet even as I type this, I can almost hear God whispering to me gently that there is nothing to grow tired of. That this is a dramatic (traumatic?) situation. That I am not overreacting…that this is awful to be going through. That the pain is real. The struggle is real. But, that there is beauty in it-and who am I to care what others think? It is their (your) decision to read my posts or not. I am simply expressing myself and being obedient to document the amazing things my Creator is doing in my life in the midst of my body falling apart on me.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you. But, also, thank you for embarking on this journey with me. Thank you for reading my deepest thoughts & feelings. I pray you haven’t gone through some of the things I have-but if you have, you are not alone-and if you haven’t, maybe this will bring some insight and empathy or sensitivity to things you haven’t experienced. I know my experiences have taught me (and continue to teach me) SO much every day. And, I kick myself a lot for being an idiot and insensitive to people and things I knew nothing of in the past. But, that is just one of the knots that I am unravelling.
Life is full of knots & threads. So let’s start talking about them.